Most of us were never taught how to build a relationship. We were shown fairytales and rom-coms, given a vague map of “I love you” and “I do,” and then sent on our way to figure out the rest. We stumble through intimacy, armed with unspoken expectations and a deep hope that love will be enough to conquer all.
But what if love isn’t a battlefield? What if it’s a garden? What if it’s a practice, a co-creation, a living ecosystem that requires intentional care to thrive?
In a recent episode of How to Stay Human, we pulled back the curtain on the single most powerful tool in our partnership: our relationship agreements. These aren’t rigid rules or a prenuptial agreement for your soul. They are a set of living, breathing commitments that have become the foundation for our love, our communication, our emotional safety, and our shared vision for the future. They are the trellis that supports the beautiful, wild, and sometimes messy garden of our life together.
This is not about perfection. It is about practice. It is about choosing to build a love that is not only passionate but also safe, not only connected but also sovereign.
Why Most Relationships Fail (It’s Not What You Think)
Relationships often crumble under the weight of unspoken expectations. We expect our partners to be mind-readers, to intuitively know our needs, our boundaries, our triggers, and our deepest desires. We carry a silent checklist in our minds, and when our partner inevitably fails to tick a box we never told them existed, we feel hurt, resentful, and disconnected.
This is a recipe for disaster. It creates a dynamic of guessing, hoping, and wishing—a fragile foundation for a life of shared intimacy. Without a clear, shared “operating system,” every conflict becomes a crisis, every misunderstanding a potential rupture. We end up keeping score, building walls, and slowly, quietly, abandoning ourselves in the name of keeping the peace.
Reflection Prompt: Where in your relationships (past or present) have unspoken expectations created conflict or disconnection?
Agreements vs. Rules: The Art of Conscious Partnership
When we talk about “agreements,” it’s easy to think of them as restrictive rules or a contract designed to control behavior. This could not be further from the truth. Rules are rigid; agreements are alive. Rules are about control; agreements are about clarity. Rules are for children; agreements are for sovereign adults choosing to build something beautiful together.
Our agreements are a framework for conscious choice. They are a set of shared principles that guide us back to connection when we feel lost, back to regulation when we feel triggered, and back to love when we feel hurt. They are the anchor that keeps us steady in the storm, reminding us that we are allies, not adversaries.
Here are some of the core principles that form the philosophical backbone of our agreements:
Reflection Prompt: Which of these principles resonates most deeply with you? What would change in your life if you fully embodied it?
Building Your Own Operating System
You don’t need to adopt our agreements to experience this level of clarity and connection. The magic is not in the specific words, but in the process of co-creating them. It’s in the conversations you have, the values you unearth, and the shared vision you begin to build together.
Whether you are single and calling in a conscious partner, newly dating, or in a long-term partnership, you can begin this practice today. Start by asking yourself:
•What do I need to feel safe in a relationship?
•How do I want to navigate conflict and repair?
•What are my non-negotiable values?
•What does a thriving, alive, and passionate partnership look and feel like to me?
These are not small questions, but they are the ones that lead to a love that can last a lifetime. A love that is not just a feeling, but a practice. A love that helps you not only grow together, but grow more fully into yourself.
This is the work of staying human in a world that often asks us to be anything but.
Go Deeper
This conversation is just the beginning. If you feel called to go deeper and create your own set of relationship agreements, we’ve created a resource to guide you. The Relationship Agreements Starter Kit is a practical, compassionate, and grounded toolkit for building a partnership rooted in clarity, connection, and love. It includes a translated version of our own agreements, a fill-in-the-blank template, and a step-by-step framework for creating and integrating your own. The Relationship Agreements Starter Kit
This is not about becoming perfect partners. It’s about becoming more human partners. It’s about choosing, again and again, to build a love that feels like home.
Stay Human,
Tori
