One of the most important lessons I’ve been learning through healing my nervous system is the difference between something that is unsafe and something that is simply unfamiliar. Most of us collapse those two sensations into one because, in childhood, our nervous systems never had the capacity or the support to differentiate between true danger and overwhelming newness. Everything that felt intense got labeled as threat. Everything unknown became unsafe by default. But as adults, this confusion keeps us from receiving the very things we’ve been praying for. We pull away from opportunities, intimacy, stability, and love — not because they’re dangerous, but because our bodies don’t recognize them yet.
True unsafety is when something threatens your physical body, emotional well-being, boundaries, or dignity. Your nervous system responds instantly. Your chest contracts. Your adrenaline spikes. You get hyper-focused. You want to defend yourself or get out before things escalate. In relationships, unsafe dynamics leave you feeling small. They show up as manipulation, chronic instability, volatility, disrespect, anger that comes out of nowhere, gaslighting, boundary violations, and emotional environments where you cannot be yourself without consequence. Unsafe is the feeling of, “If I stay here, I will lose myself.”
Unfamiliarity feels very different, but to a dysregulated system, the sensations can be almost identical. Unfamiliarity shows up when your system encounters something new — something healthy, something aligned, something expansive — but your body doesn’t have a map for it yet. Instead of contraction, what you feel is fluttery nervousness, a slight discomfort in your stomach, uncertainty, self-doubt, a desire to slow down, to pull back, or to get more clarity. It’s the sensation of wanting to protect yourself while also wanting to lean in. Unfamiliar relationships can look like stable love, consistent behavior, honesty, emotional availability, reciprocity, being seen clearly, or someone showing up for you without being asked. To a body that grew up absorbing chaos, inconsistency, or martyr conditioning, this can feel confusing. Not because it’s wrong — but because it’s new.
